Hopeful Hearts and Seasoned Souls

She’s engaged! 

Is it your best friend? Your sister? Or is it you? Now that a ring is on your finger, you’re realizing that you’re life is about to change and you can’t wait another second to say “I do.” You think about all you’ve been through and your mind can’t help but go back to the beginning; when you first met the man that would one day become your husband. 

So what’s one of the first things you want to do when you suddenly become someone’s fiance? Perhaps it’s safe to say that you want to run and tell your mom! After all of the joy, excitement and maybe even a few tears, a wise woman would ask her mother (if she hadn’t asked already) all that she needs to know before she gets any closer to the alter.

So here’s the burning question: If your mother is divorced, never married, or unhappily married, can she give you what she doesn’t have? 

It’s true, some of the best advice comes from people that have gone through pain, fears and disappointments. Even those who haven’t quite reached their goal, they’re still persevering with plenty of lessons under their belt. But what if the perception of your mother toward marriage is deep bitterness and a lack of forgiveness? How will you receive the insight and encouragement from your mother then? 

Okay, let’s take a deep breath. Yes, it’s a blessing if one has parents who have a loving, successful marriage that spans decades. But what about the women who don’t? What do they have to look to in order to know what being a husband or wife means? 

Family curses are what come into play here. Cycles of bad habits, skewed mentalities and most detrimental, homes lacking the presence of Christ. 

It’s truly about getting back to basics. When some little girls are twirling around in their tutus and “playing purse,” their mothers may be teaching them about who God is, if they don’t already know at that toddler age. Throughout their childhood years any lessons a girl’s mom shares is usually remembered if reiterated as she grows older. 

“I have to tell you like my mother told me. Be independent, even in marriage-and have your own money,” said Elizabeth. She has been married for over 30 years. Unhappily. She reflects on some of the things she told her daughter when she was growing up regarding men and marriage. “Education first.” She emphasized this throughout her daughter’s life. Elizabeth said that education gives you the freedom to do what you want. To have a more well-rounded life. You realize the more education you get, the more education you want.” So what did she tell her daughter about marriage? That you don’t have to tell men everything. Elizabeth’s reasoning is that as the woman, you believe that marriage is about unity, but the man is all for himself.

This is a mother who has been scarred by her years as an unhappy wife. 

From a family of eight, she grew up in a home filled with siblings and two loving parents. She’s the baby, so her parents were well into their forties when she came along. While her mother took Elizabeth and her brothers and sisters to church, she was never consistently taught what having a relationship with Christ is all about. 

She remembers the one day when her father went to church with them. After this memory came to her mind, she said that it’s possible that she never really knew what the characteristics of a man with a heart for Lord looked like. 

It all comes down to one decision. That one decision to fall in love with Jesus. No matter how much someone else can try to teach and preach, you have to feel and hear God for yourself in order to surrender your life. 

Elizabeth’s mother couldn’t do any more than what she did because it was up to Elizabeth all along to seek what the Lord wanted for her and wants for her today. Praying for her husband before he came along- doing the same for her children. Seek God in all of the decisions that you make.

Elizabeth has an seasoned soul. She’s experienced a lot of pain from a marriage that was built on the wrong things. She admits that she wants to develop a relationship with Christ. Only then can she possess a forgiving heart. 

So what about the hopeful heart? That’s the thing about Jesus---when you know Him before you make choices all on your own, you have the ability to live a life of hope, excitement and fearlessness. 

You take a seasoned soul's lessons and God’s principles and see whether they line up. You can take heed to what an older woman has been through, but don’t let it paralyze you and make you fearful of marriage. God has called you to be fearless! 

When you know God, when you have fallen in love with Jesus Christ, when you live a praying life, when you read and practice the Word, not only can you avoid a broken marriage and bitterness, but you can bless another woman with your spirit. Even one who has an seasoned soul. 

Not A Mother

Mrs. Fraysure’s kindness, Coach Brown’s insightful wit, Professor Lanning’s overwhelmingly enlightened perspective on life and Aunt Gail’s hugs. A second grade teacher, a high school civics teacher, a college instructor and my mother’s sister, respectively. 

None of which were my mother; one wasn’t even a woman. However, each of them have stayed on my mind throughout my 25 years. 

How did they know to say what they said and do what they did to impact me so greatly?

It may have been my personality taking well to theirs, but they would leave me contemplating things that I had never thought about before. 

At eight years old, I didn’t just play outside only because it was fun. I stood in awe at the beauty of the day. The trees, the grass, the sky, the birds, the sun. Just being around my classmates and observing the way they thought about things. Even the simple moments of when my friends and I made one another laugh and smile. I was able to appreciate it all because of Mrs. Fraysure’s words. Her lessons; whether in terms of academics or life. I was always a shy, polite kid, but I remember her kindness made me want to be even more kind to others. Her positive words to and about me made me want to continue to be looked at in that light. Almost as if I didn’t want to disappoint her. In all actuality, it ended up becoming a part of me.

At 15, when the last place you want to be is sitting in a classroom, unless it’s to socialize, Coach Brown was a man that was still able to captivate even the most distracted teenager. He was one of the few teachers that understood that kids at that age like to laugh. He could accomplish the task of at least having us smiling throughout each class. Definitely an academic comedian. But more importantly, he made us think. He took politics, one of the least interesting and almost the most confusing subject for me, and applied it to our lives in a way that made it crystal clear. Most of all, he made me feel that I really had something special to share with the world. Even when I didn’t know it. He may not have even known what it was himself. But he gave me such confidence with each conversation we had. 

After enlisting in the U.S. Air Force, living away from home, giving my life to the Lord, and even deploying to Afghanistan, I came back home as a full time college student to be influenced by two women in a tremendous way. An art appreciation professor and a humanities professor. 

What impacts me the most is when an educator can teach an academic lesson and simultaneously teach a profound life lesson. That’s what both of these professors did for me. 

The main thing that I think I received from each of these individuals is that they taught me about people. Specifically how different human beings are, yet how much we are the same- and how bewildering and beautiful that is.

Aunt Gail has always been a very kind and loving woman. I always called her my favorite aunt which is absolutely true. She was the only aunt to put effort into having a relationship with my brothers and me. Whether it was cards in the mail, phone calls, or visiting, she was there. Her hugs and kisses were the most cliche of all aunts and grandmothers loving on little children, yet at the same time, I knew that it was the most genuine display of affection outside of my mom. She never really made any sense with some of the things she would say to us, but we knew she cared about us. We knew we were welcome around her. She never had any children, so maybe that’s how she had so much love to give. Either way, she has been a wonderful aunt, still is, and I want to be that for my brand new niece. 

Besides my aunt, most of these women were probably already mothers by the time they entered my life. But they didn’t have to be my mother to impact me. I am not married or a mother, however I did just become a godmother. I now know that I do not have to wait to birth a child to make a difference in a little girl or boy’s life. 

I’m seeing that children these days are much more out-going than I ever was growing up. Even my peers as a kid do not have anything on these kids today and their boldness! But I do believe that a child can still be touched by the flash of a kind smile, a genuine hug, and even greater, a relationship. A relationship that consists of laughs, trust, motivation, inspiration, and guidance. 

I’m encouraging women to find a young girl. One you already know or one you don’t. Regardless of whether she knows and loves the Lord or not, she is still going through everything you went through as a young girl. She is confused when she has a crush on a boy. She is confused when she’s getting a lot of attention from boys. She is confused when girls are mean to her. 

Young girls are already virtuous young ladies, they simply must acknowledge, embrace and practice those virtues. They must have the right motives and ensure their words and actions are for a purpose. 

My heart breaks for some girls who are products of family curses where the cycle goes ‘round and ‘round. Salvation skips multiple generations. Who’s going to step in and stop the cycle? Some mothers are educating and loving their daughters as they should; some are not. Could you be that teacher, that counselor, that mentor, that kind smile who senses that a girl needs a love that she can only find in one place? 

Though there’s power in His name, you won’t even have to mention it if she spends enough time with you. She’ll know you’re a believer...and will want what you have. Pursue relationships with the next generations. It took 21 years for me to fall in love with Jesus. Girls should and can find Him much sooner- and we know that once they do, their true beauty will shine through to others; but more importantly they will see the beauty within themselves.